As early as the 1970s, psychologist Albert Mehrabian revealed that communication relies only 7% on the actual words we use. The rest? It comes from tone of voice (38%) and body language (55%). This is known as the 55-38-7 rule. Other studies have confirmed it: how we say things, more than what we say, deeply shapes how others perceive us.
For instance, when someone verbally expresses an emotion—such as anger or joy—but their tone or gestures don’t match, the listener will instinctively trust the non-verbal cues more than the words.
Emotional intelligence means aligned communication
This is where emotional intelligence comes into play. Being able to manage what we express through our body, voice, and emotions demonstrates relational maturity. A simple sentence becomes a powerful mantra for better interactions. Let’s look at two examples:
-
In a couple’s discussion: Expressing personal boundaries is perfectly valid. But if we shout, tremble, or speak with anxiety, the message may be poorly received. A calm and assertive posture strengthens the point.
-
Asking for a raise at work: Even with solid arguments, an anxious or hesitant tone can ruin the impact. On the other hand, a confident attitude and composed voice can be more persuasive than a thousand statistics.
A powerful tool for every relationship
Repeating this phrase to ourselves—“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”—helps refocus on our intention, posture, and emotional impact. Emotionally intelligent people understand this well: they rely less on perfect content and more on the harmony between their words and behavior.
And science backs them up. According to a study from the University of Oxford led by Professor Robin Dunbar, 80% of the information we transmit in relationships comes through non-verbal signals. Conversations are not just exchanges of ideas—they’re mostly exchanges of emotions.
In a time when authenticity and clarity are more valuable than ever, this phrase deserves to be etched in our minds. Because it reminds us that true communication is, above all, about being understood—with coherence, respect… and humanity.